Copernican Principle The scribblings of an insignificant man
The home of Gordon & Bayleaf. Stories in progress by Andy Le Monde
Warning: stories contain explicit language
Gordon's
Wild Life
A story in progress by Andy Le Monde
Episode 1, Gordon Starts a New Job
Getting his big truck licence wasn’t easy and that was aside from staying sober long enough to take lessons. The last driving licence Gordon had secured on Earth was for a chariot with up to 4 horses, and there was no reverse parking then. Also, he had to finance the lessons with a loan from Barl, his reptilian archenemy who was also stranded here on Earth. He managed to blag his way through the test however, skilfully distracting the examiner by incessantly talking rubbish and raising his voice theatrically each time he hit a wing mirror.
Premier Portals was the largest manufacturer of doors in Barnsley and Gordon was to be their new shunter driver. Without any contact from The Copernicus in months now, he needed the money.
Gordon was a very conscientious worker. He wasn't the fastest at anything he did, as he liked to live in the moment and deadlines were always a future event. He never tried to be the best at anything, as there was always going to be someone better than him and anyway, life isn't a competition. He liked to be average. Indeed, if he was ever the 'best' at anything, then being exactly 'average' was it. He found that it allowed him to share his energy over a greater number of things, all of which he could then do ... okay.
The only thing that really let Gordon down at work, was his mouth. It moved so much faster than his brain. All he wanted to do was spread happiness and joy, but his humour was often ... misunderstood.
On the plus side, with this particular job, he had, by nothing short of a miracle, convinced HR to let him bring Bayleaf to work with him, on the grounds of mental health both his and Bayleaf's. Bayleaf was his dog. A blenheim, Cavalier King Charles spaniel, which Gordon could communicate with telepathically. In fact, ever since he accidentally found himself in the body of a squirrel a few years back, Gordon found that he could communicate with all sentient animals.
So today, the employment agency had told him, was 'a short day with induction, health and safety procedure and all that shit'. A nice gentle start for him and Bayleaf. Gordon just had to keep Bayleaf on a leash, his own mouth closed unless talking was absolutely necessary and keep himself to himself.
Unfortunately, Gordon was not a ‘keeping-himself-to-himself’ kinda guy.
It was the end of the day and Gordon was putting Bayleaf in the car before walking over to the smoking area for a last smoke.
“Not seen much pussy 'ere Papa." Bayleaf sounded disappointed, as he spoke softly in his French accent.
"We're here to work my lad, not sniff crutches." Gordon replied. "If you want some fun though, I'm sure I saw some rabbits earlier, you could sniff round them." Premier Portals was a large complex with several warehouses and was largely surrounded by woods and parkland. Within the complex itself were small pockets of grass and trees where rabbits and squirrels were commonly seen.
"Rabbits?” Bayleaf sat up. “I theenk I know these creature. They are fun to chase, but no good to shag."
"Ahh yes," Gordon then reminded him, "like you chasing mopeds up Princess Street."
"Not funny Papa, I had skid marks on my nutsacks for weeks."
With Bayleaf safely restrained in the car, Gordon was still laughing out loud as he reached the smoking area.
“What world are you living in?” A soft female voice called over, pulling him out of his memory. It was not a Barnsley accent, but more European.
“One with too much rain, pain and not enough alcohol,” he replied. Looking up he saw a very pretty young lady with a warming smile and sparkling eyes “... but then it does come with some benefits,” he added as he smiled back at her in welcome.
Gordon was seriously missing his beer. Not only did it give him more confidence when talking with humans, but he felt gave humans more confidence when talking to him. Also, if this lovely lady was more drunk, then maybe she wouldn’t notice how old a body he was living in, and conversely, if he was drunk maybe he wouldn’t care what she thought anyway.
“Pleased to meet you Darling, I’m Gordon,” he said with a big smile and a hint of lechery in his eye.
“Who is Darling?” The lady asked, now unsure if she should have started the conversation. “Is that what you call the men too?”
Her European accent was strong, but Gordon couldn’t quite place it. “Only if they’re wearing a skirt,” he joked, but it fell on insulted ears. Maybe there was a language barrier, he thought, so he now spoke slower and a little louder, pronouncing each word very carefully. “In – England - it - is – how - we – speak - to – ladies - especially – the - pretty – ones.” Gordon just couldn’t help himself. He had to keep digging.
The lady's smile had vanished and her face tightened with frustration. “So now you talk to me like I’m stupid? I have a university degree,” she exclaimed.
“In what?” Gordon asked, “knitting?” He was still trying to be funny.
“Nooo!” She cried, “European Studies.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why? Because I am a woman.”
“Nooo!” Gordon said sarcastically, “because why would anyone spend years studying Europe, in all its beauty and splendour, and then CHOOSE to live in BARNSLEY?” He threw his hands up in mock despair. “And sorry”, he continued, “I only spoke slowly so you had time to translate my words."
“Just because I have an accent doesn’t mean I can’t speak English,” which of course she could, perfectly.
“Please,” Gordon now realising what an ass he was making of himself, “let us start again. What is your name?”
“Titude," she answered.
“That’s a mouthful,” Gordon laughed. Titude didn’t laugh. “Do you have a sister? You could be a pair of Tit-udes". Gordon was now giggling. He thought he was on a roll. “Was your baby name just ‘Nipple-ude?” He was now roaring.
“Here comes my husband Boris. Let’s see how funny he thinks you are." Titude spat the words at Gordon.
“Oh!” Gordon turned to see a car pull up with a young, athletic looking man in it. “Please ask him not to hit me in the face," he asked nervously, "I have very sensitive teeth.”
The car pulled to a halt and a young man wound down the window. “My Titty!” He called.
“My Bogey”, she replied.
“My God”, Gordon spluttered.
Boris could see that Titude was upset, as he opened the car door, but Titude was determined to settle this on her own. She waved for him to wait in the car and blew him a kiss.
Turning back to Gordon, she took a very deep breath. “Did I treat you any differently because you have an accent?” She asked him.
“No, but mine's a London accent, that’s not foreign.”
“It is in Barnsley," she countered. First strike to Titude.
“Well ... I .... yes .... maybe...” Gordon spluttered.
“What are you trying to say? Maybe- you-borrow-my-Polish-to-English-Dictionary-for-dummies.”
“Polish!" Gordon finally spluttered his first coherent word in a while. “Tyskie, pieroge and Robert Lewandowski”
“Oh, so you’re Wikipedia now,” Titude was firing.
Boris could wait no longer seeing his wife ablaze. He shot from his car and stood aside her.
“Blimey", Gordon took a step back. “Who are you? Robert Kubica?” Boris didn’t answer, he just stood there looking straight at Gordon. A low, rumbling noise emanated from Boris’ solid frame. “What’s IT doing?” Asked Gordon to Titude.
“HE," she answered, “is growling.”
“Does he do this often?”
“Not really. The last time I saw him like this was when he ate the postman.”
“Ate him?” Gordon's voice went unusually high.
“Yes, the postman had disturbed my sleep by knocking very loudly. So Boris went to the door and when the postman shoved a card through the letterbox, Boris bit his fingers off. Swallowed one by accident.”
“What a silly postman.” Gordon was conciliating.
“Yes.” Titude was now next to Gordon looking at Boris. “It took a few days and lots of prunes to get his wedding ring back out.”
“Look,” Gordon turned to face Titude. “I’m really awfully sorry about this. Can we start again? Maybe I could buy you a drink?” Boris’ growling, raised to a savage bark. “OK”, Gordon squeaked quickly, “or we could just shake hands” Boris calmed.
But Gordon just had to push it... “kiss and makeup.” Boris lurched forward, reaching his hands to Gordon's throat.
Titude, as quick as a flash, threw herself between them. “YES,” she shouted above the noise of Boris as he yelped and barked. Clawing at Gordon over Titude’s shoulders. “I KNOW THIS MAN IS A COMPLETE IDIOT BUT HE'S SORRY AND WE BOTH HAVE TO WORK HERE, GOD HELP ME!” Boris stopped thrashing and Titude whispered softly in his ear until he calmed some more.
“Wow, I don’t know how you managed that, but I’m most grateful,” Gordon bowed his head to her.
“I’ve promised him a night in, send the children to bed early and we watch ‘Miasto 44’”
“Is that like ‘Debbie Does the Miasto 44’?” Gordon's idea of a romantic night in.
“No, you stupid fool. It’s Polish war movie”.
“Sounds like a ... 'delightful' night in.” Gordon was clearly relieved at his close escape and now wished to retreat further to lick his wounds. “Anyhow,” he said cheerily, “must run, have a new job to start tomorrow.”
“Ooh," Titude looked a little surprised, “you’re the new shunter driver?”
“Yep, that’s me. The one and only.”
“Well, I will be seeing you again very soon then.”
“Why is that?” Gordon asked curiously.
She replied with a smug smile, “I am your new boss.”
Episode 2, Minshy & Tetley
It's coming ...