Copernican Principle      The scribblings of an insignificant man

 It was a sunny lunchtime stroll to the Pig & Whistle for Gordon and Bayleaf. Up Princess Street and over Park Road, past the Cotton Pebble and Rabbit’s Home pubs and then down Cope Street.

 Gordon’s new overcoat was a good size too big for his slender build, but he liked the many pockets it came with and he wasn’t the kind of person who wasted time in shops trying things on for size. Bayleaf was also in new attire, with a neat brown leather collar. Though he was glad Gordon hadn’t forced the new hat and jacket on him for the trip. As they strolled along he was in a thoughtful mood. ‘You theenk thee Pig Dog will be ‘ome?’ Bayleaf projected the question in his squeaky French accent into Gordon’s mind, ‘my impression first will be most important, non?’.

 ‘No’, Gordon thought back at his Cavalier pal, ‘I mean oui, or yes, and remember her name is Snowball, not the Pig Dog’.

 Turning right onto Mount Vernon Road, Gordon fumbled through his overcoat pockets. The outside left contained some loose change. His cash balance was getting low and it reminded him to request some more. The outside right pocket was loaded with dog biscuits and doggy pooh bags, inside right held his mobile phone and the massive inside left pouch was, for the moment, empty.

 

One Week Earlier on The Mothership

 The Commander, sat comfortably in the Command Chair, in the Command Room. From here he commanded. On board Copernicus, the Mothership over which he commanded, Marl was the man in charge. He was a big man, both in physique and in heart, and was popular among the million plus crew. His golden hair sat like a crown on his kind face which always wore a smile.

 His was the only chair in the massive chamber that was all a brilliant white. It was placed upon a stage with him facing an audience of operatives who were all stood at clusters of consoles scattered about the chamber. There was no desk or console on Marl’s stage however, just the chair and Marl. Before him, at the edge of the stage was a glass screen that stretched from floor to ceiling which, when activated, was his window on the world around and below. At this moment in time it was reminding him of a meeting with Goron, one of the  Copernicus’ sub-commanders.

 

 Goron was in the rec room playing 8 ball pool with Jon, the room’s automated player. Goron was losing.

 “I think you’re due for an upgrade Jon”, Goron told the robot as it racked up the next game.

 “Why? I have just won the last twelve games against you Goron” Jon’s expression was blank, or perhaps, blank bordering on a little sad. Indeed, not so much sad as just not showing happiness. Goron was never quite sure how to read him. Jon was Earth-like in appearance, with his round shaped head. This contrasted with the crew of the Copernicus who, though humanoid, had more elongated heads, long enough to comfortably fill a top hat.

 “Not an upgrade on your game play Jon, but on your sense of humour”

 “But I’m not designed for humour, only to play pool” This was certainly true. Jon’s only purpose in life was to play pool. He would sit quietly in a corner of the rec room, looking not quite sad, more content, but certainly not happy, until he was invited to play.

 Goron’s Personal Com beeped. He touched his left ear, where the tiny pill shaped gadget was located, and activated it. Commander Marl’s cheerful voice blasted out.

 “Goron, are ya winning?” This was followed by a gust of laughter. Marl and Goron, went back a very long way, as did most of the crew of Copernicus.

 “Have a guess” Goron suggested in much less enthusiastic tone.

 “Thirty games to Jon and …………. three to you?” another boom of laughter punctuated Marl’s sentence as it usually did. Another reason why he was so loved. “Anyhow”, Marl continued, “I’ve got an assignment for ya. Think you’ll like it”, another chuckle, “get your losing arse up here and I’ll tell you all about it ……… oh, and bring a couple of Snakeys”.

 

 Goron appeared at the edge of the Commander’s stage with two pint glasses of Snakey. He walked over to Marl and passed him one.

 Marl’s face glowed with delight as he took the pint and drained half of it instantly. “How’d you fancy a real one?” he raised the glass and looked Goron in the eye with a half smile.

 “An assignment on the surface?”, Goron ventured returning the smile.

 “Yep, we’re overdue an Earth census and, with the upcoming Counsel of Three, I need a team setting up. You’ve done a brilliant job managing the Belief System Department and thought you might fancy a break”, Marl’s smile widened as he leaned forward, “and THIS synthetic shit”, he raised the glass in his hand again and nodded towards it, “is …….. SYNTHETIC SHIT”. This time his booming laugh echoed around the massive sterile chamber.

 “I’m up for it mate” Goron was delighted, “consider the Earth census team sorted and I don’t suppose I’d be able to get some rec time while I’m down there? You know, just to raise a bit of goodwill with our clients.”

 “It would be rude not to”, Marl beamed back holding Goron’s happy gaze before launching into more laughter.

 “Which three will be counselling this time?”, Goron asked as he sipped at his Snakey.

 Marl began to list them off, “The Nordics”.

 “Nice one”, Goron smiled. “Is Lalan coming?”.

 “I hope so” Marl smiled back, “and there’ll be the Reptiles”.

 “Oh crikey, not Barl?” and now Goron recoiled.

 “Yep” Marl’s own smile quickly disappeared too. “I’ll get some body bags ready” and then he boomed with laughter again. “Don’t worry, though, there’s also some good news”. Goron looked back in anticipation. “The Greys will make up the third representative delegation” and now Marl’s eyes sparkled above a wide grin”.

 “Landy Rose”, Goron spoke the name dreamily. “I can suffer all the fools in the cosmos for her”.

 “Shame you won’t be meeting her then, I need you down there now, before they get here”, Marl’s tone was matter of fact and left no room for argument.

 

 Goron waited outside the Dolly Room. As with most visits to the surface, an Earth body was required so that Goron could mix with the inhabitants discretely.

Rhane, Head of Dolly Department, appeared with clipboard in hand and invited him in. He was a little shorter than Goron but much more portly. His round face sporting a trimmed tash and goatee.

 “Now then Goron”, Rhane began as they walked along a wide corridor sided by large windows displaying rows of sleeping bodies. “You’re only scheduled for a year on the surface and I need to prepare a host of new Dollies for your team”. Goron could sense a negative looming as Rhane continued in his over-officious voice, “so I’ve touched up the Dolly you used on your last visit”.

 “That’s fine”, Goron was happily surprised. His last visit, some 25 years ago, had captured many happy memories and he remembered the body was fully functional in every department. “I thought you were going to give me bad news”, he smiled back.

 “Now, remember the Earth body limitations”, Rhane continued, talking over Goron. “The smaller brain size means you’ll lose a lot of the higher mental functions that you’re used to”.

 “Like reduced short and long term memory ability”, and now Goron talked over Rhane, “no telepathy, no pain control, et cetera, et cetera”. Rhane’s face reddened with anger as he held his tongue until Goron had finished.

 They had now reached the end of the corridor and entered the last room off it. There were a number of glass pods placed about and Rhane walked them both up to one in the middle. “Here we are”, he announced, looking down at his pink clipboard. “You’ve been assigned as Gordon Gilchrist. I have the full cover history here for you”.

 Goron looked down into the pod that Rhane stood next to, “and which one’s Gordon?” he asked.

 “This one” Rhane replied, still checking his clipboard.

 “What, you mean this one here?” Goron pointed directly to the said pod.

 “Yes”, Rhane replied still without looking up.

 Goron’s heart sank with an audible sigh.

 “These things aren’t cheap you know” Rhane’s voice returned to its confident, monotonous whine as he managed to re-assert himself. “We have to keep spare ones for all management, whether they’re used or not. They only have a life value of around seventy Earth years and only become fully functional after about sixteen of those. For now, this is your one. Matched to your own DNA, it worked perfectly well last time and has only aged twenty odd years since its last use”

 “Twenty ‘very bloody’ odd years. It had more hair last time” Goron sounded as disappointed as he felt.

 “Sorry” Rhane said in contrived sympathy.

 “How did it get a damned beer belly?”

 “Do you not remember the volume of alcohol you consumed in your last two year assignment? It’s taken 25 years to be assimilated”

 “And it’s turned brown?”

 “What?” Now Rhane did sound surprised and he also peered into the pod. “That’s strange”, he said curiously and checked back on his clipboard, “must have set the storage unit too warm. Still, no problem, it’s been checked out and is definitely fully functional. Well, maybe not as much stamina as before and sleeps with a slight snore. You had spectacles to assist with the vision before, but as Earth have now engineered a more comfortable contact lens, you’ll be issued with those as well. Oh and I noticed some swelling in the nasal cavities but it is, otherwise, fully functional”.

 “What’s that lump?” Goron, was pointing to the bodies groin.

 “Ahh, yes, I’ve put that there, it’s a hernia”

 “A bloody hernia? Why?” Goron was now totally frustrated.

 “To slow you down”, Rhane’s voice was also rising in volume, “I want this body bringing back in one piece Goron. Not like that time before”

 “That was over sixty years ago, I wasn’t well, I had an accident” Now Goron was shouting.

 “You were drunk, had managed to piss off an entire town and they threw you off a bridge!” Rhane and Goron now stood nose to nose.

 “I was in an enlightened state and teaching them to love each other”.

 “YOU WERE SHAGGING THEIR WIVES”.

 “BECAUSE THEIR WIVES WANTED ME, BUT NO BASTARD BITCH IS GOING TO WANT TO TOUCH THAT!” Goron, now shrieking, pointed at the pod.

  Rhane’s reply was immediately calm and measured, “That’s the point” and he placed a big tick on his clipboard.

 The two men stood in screaming silence, eyeball to eyeball.

 “There must be a spare”, Goron forced a calm tone.

 “Well, we do have this”, Rhane turned and walked to another pod.

 Goron felt a glimmer of hope as he walked over and peered in, but it didn’t last long. “He looks older than my one”.

 “Actually, he’s almost 10 years younger”, Rhane was back to checking his clipboard. “A generic dolly without any DNA match”.

 “And he has even less hair …… and those eyes look very squinty”.

 “Yes, there is a small sight defect on this one, and it spits a little in normal speech mode, but otherwise works well”.

 “He looks like a Japanese sniper!” and now Goron crouched slightly, and squinting, pointed an imaginary gun at Rhane.

 “Now you’re just being insulting. Sign here” Rhane showed Goron his clipboard.

 Goron, checked through the assigned identity for Gordon Gilchrist. Grandfathers, he noted, were of Welsh and Scottish origin. He looked back at the body’s olive complexion. “Just one amendment please”, he told Rhane as he pulled out a pen and scribbled on the paperwork. Drawing a line through ‘Scottish’ and replaced it with ‘Portuguese’.

 

Back on the Surface

The Pig appeared on the right, and they were soon mounting the stone steps to the entrance. Before entering Gordon reached down to unclip Bayleaf’s leash. The dog’s excitement was increasing quickly and his tail was up and fanning the air in big swishy strokes. He began to yap. ‘Make my collar straight and smooth my ears’ he thought out to Gordon, ‘Is my big tail sweeshy enough? And my breath, check my breath …..’

 ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’ Gordon thought back ‘just get in the pub’. He opened the door and Bayleaf ran through.

 At the same moment, a large and incredibly impressive black Rolls Royce Bentley purred gently on to the tarmac area in front of the pub. It seemed a bit out of place in this suburban area. A deep growling noise emanating from the pub broke Gordon out of his reverie and he went inside.